


Midnight land

by Ischa



Series: Midnight Land [1]
Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance, Panic At The Disco
Genre: Bloodplay, M/M, Multi, Sexual Content, Threesome, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-15
Updated: 2011-08-15
Packaged: 2017-10-22 15:58:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/239845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ischa/pseuds/Ischa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything starts with ‘there is too much Panic in this town’ and Frank, but it’s not Frank’s fault. Gerard is to blame for this mess he finds himself in, because Gerard’s obsessions are his own. And that Panic kid, that guitar player. That Ross kid.</p><p><i>“It was a joke…”<br/>“I saw your face; you wanted to rip his throat out.” Ryan answers calmly. It’s not a good sign when Ryan is that calm, but on the other side he just tore his apartment apart.<br/>“Yes,” Spencer says, stepping closer. Wanting to offer some comfort.<br/>“Don’t…”<br/>“Ryan?”<br/>“I’m feeling violent.”</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Midnight land

**Author's Note:**

> Handy Guide: [Midnight Land - a guide](http://nur-luegen.livejournal.com/4743.html)

**Title:** Midnight land  
 **Pairing:** Gerard/Ryan, Panic GSF (heavy on the Ryan/Brendon)  
 **Rating:** NC-17  
 **Summary:** Everything starts with ‘there is too much Panic in this town’ and Frank, but it’s not Frank’s fault. Gerard is to blame for this mess he finds himself in, because Gerard’s obsessions are his own. And that Panic kid, that guitar player. That Ross kid.  
 **Warning(s):** Vampires, blood play, Panic GSF, angst, violence, sex, emotional waycest (that totally is a valuable warning!) and threesome, also not a 16 candles AU.  
 **Author’s Notes:** I blame tygermine for this because she encourages me to write, schoko-dei because she watched vampire movies with me before I started this and EMPIRES for writing, recording and releasing their album ‘Howl’ where I stole the title and the quotes from. Also, this might be not your typical vampire story I hope you will enjoy it nevertheless.  
 **Word Count:** 12.232  
 **Beta:** tygermine (She made this make sense.)  
 **Disclaimer:** Don’t know, don’t own, not real.

\---  
 **~Chapter 1~  
 _Oh, he’s been watching, watching idly. Why you were shaking in despair._**

 **  
_  
_   
**

“There is too much Panic in this town...”

“What?”

“That’s what he said,” says Brendon who can see the pissed off vibes coming from Spencer as he sinks into the couch.

“That, doesn’t need to mean anything,” Jon throws in; he’s lying on the couch next to Spencer, just being Jon. Also a little stoned.

“I can hear the capital P.” Ryan says, crossing his arms. He’s pissed too, because isn’t he supposed to save lives?! He’s definitely playing with his.

“Isn’t he supposed to save goddamned lives?!” Spencer says angrily – they aren’t best friends forever for nothing. Ryan likes to call this Spencer’s ‘annoyed voice’.

“Yeah. But not ours.” That is Jon, he isn’t even looking up from whatever he finds interesting on the floor. He’s high. Ryan wishes he were too. A bit.

“We don’t need saving.” Ryan says firmly.

“Ryan’s right,” Brendon isn’t usually pissed over something like this. (He tends to get more worked up over Bambie.) But really, it’s enough. He can’t just do that and think they will keep quiet.

‘We aren’t that kind of band…’ Spencer says with his eyebrows to Ryan.

‘We are those kind of boys, for god’s sake!’ Ryan answers eyebrows wiggling fiercely.

“Could you two please use WORDS when you’re talking?” Brendon wants to know.

“No.” Ryan glares at him.

“We can’t…” Spencer says and that isn’t for Brendon, he’s still arguing with Ryan.

“We should! A song, a video…something. I have had enough. What does he even want?!” He asks frustrated.

“Attention?” Brendon says and Ryan actually looks at him, for the first time since the whole conversation has started.

“Attention?”

“Yeah, like, you know being mean to a girl you like?”

“That…” Ryan falls into his thoughts.

“…makes sense.” Spencer finishes. Ryan nods.

“Oh my god.” Jon says facepalming himself.

  
~+~  
“It’s common knowledge that we don’t like their music much,” Frank says. He doesn’t see a problem here. Mikey glares, well he looks at Frank with one raised eyebrow, which is Mikey’s version of a glare.

“But that was just mean. It’s one thing to not like their music and another to attack them as artists. Gerard.” The last word is said particularly hard.

“It wasn’t like that…” his brother answers, waving his cigarette.

“No?” And this one word says it all, years of living together. Everything in one word.

“Damn…sometimes I hate that you are my brother,” Gerard says with a smile. “You don’t want me to apologize or something, do you?”

“Mom would…but we are grown ups now.” That’s not a ‘no’.

“I’m sure they didn’t even catch it.” Frank says. Gerard knows exactly what he’s implying here. He isn’t so sure the boys are actually stupid. He is pretty sure they aren’t.

“Maybe…maybe they did.”  
Gerard has the feeling Mikey knows something he doesn’t want to say, but he isn’t too keen to know it, so he doesn’t ask. Even if he knows that Mikey _wants_ him to ask.

“I will be good….” he says instead.

“Okay,” Mikey answers with a sigh.

  
The thing is that he can’t stop thinking about it. He isn’t even sure why he said it. Well, Frank was rambling on about the boys, so that made him think. And Frank really doesn’t like the music at all, so it was easy to get into the mood and say something biting, slightly sarcastic, mocking. Still…

“They are just kids, you know?” Mikey says softly. He’s standing in the doorway of the back lounge, looking at Gerard who is smoking again.

“I know.”

“And they…they aren’t that bad.”

“You just say that because you were hanging out with Pete again.” Gerard teases, Mikey smiles.

“No. I’m not,” he answers. They stay silent for a while, Gerard isn’t sure he wants to know what Mikey wants to tell him, and he knows Mikey isn’t so sure if Gerard should know just now.

“I’m not going to ask,” Gerard says exhaling smoke from his lungs.

“Okay.”

“Not now.”

“Okay,” Mikey says again. “Have you eaten?”

“Not today,” Gerard answers.

“You look pale.”

“I always do. I’m bringing paleness back…”

“Gerard…” Mikey sounds amused.

“You know I do.”

“As long as you’re not writing a song about it.”

“I might.”

“Please don’t,” Mikey replies with a soft smile. Gerard laughs.

  
~+~  
“You’re not still planning revenge, are you?” Spencer asks from the kitchen door.

“I…”

“He totally is,” Brendon says with a grin.

“I…yeah,” Ryan replies defiant.

“Let it be.” Jon is always the voice of reason.

“I can’t,” Ryan says, Brendon steps behind him and wraps his arms around Ryan’s slight form. Ryan sighs and leans in. Just a bit. He can’t not. Brendon has worn him down, every last defence.

“They are just words.” Jon again. Spencer sits down across from Ryan at the table.

“Jon’s right. They are just words and they mean nothing,” he says looking at Ryan. Even with his eyes closed, Ryan knows when Spencer looks at him. He leans closer into Brendon, soaking in his body heat. It’s nice.

“I can’t…” he says again.

“Just because he was something of a hero for you…”

“Spencer!” Ryan says his eyes flying open and glaring fiercely at his childhood friend.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but…”

Ryan interrupts him again. “You’re right, I don’t.” And that’s the end of the discussion for him. Spencer sighs.

“Don’t do something you will regret.”

“He…it’s his fault if I do. I mean, he could just stop with ‘Die. Slow’.”  
Brendon sniggers behind him and Ryan wants to half shrug him off, but he holds on.

“Come on…it was funny.” He says softly, his breath ghosts over Ryan’s ear shell.

“It wasn’t.”

“Have you eaten?” Spencer asks.

“No.” Damn Spencer for catching him off guard.

“You need to take better care of yourself, Ryan.” Brendon says firmly, hugging him harder. Brendon smells nice, Ryan thinks and sighs.

“Come on,” Spencer says and grabs Ryan’s hand.

“But Brendon smells good today…” Ryan answers.

“I always smell good.”

“It’s all the chocolate he eats.” Jon laughs.

“Ryan,” Spencer says, mouth in a firm line.

“I don’t mind,” Brendon whispers letting go, so Ryan can get up.

“But I do,” Spencer says.

“Okay.” And that’s it, even if Jon is the voice of reason, you just don’t argue with Spencer.

  
~+~  
“God! What’s wrong with you?” Mikey says; he’s disappointed. Frank is laughing so hard on the couch he has tears in his eyes.

“I…” he gasps for air and tries again, “I don’t know. It’s just funny, I just can’t. Did you see Spencer’s face?!” he shrieks and collapses again.

“And you,” Mikey turns to his brother and looks him in the eye.

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You didn’t stop Frank either,” Mikey answers.

“I couldn’t stop him, you know how he is…besides did you see Spencer’s face?” he asks biting back a giggle.

“Have you seen Ryan’s?” Mikey wants to know. He sounds serious. Gerard looks at him, Mikey sighs. “You haven’t, have you?”

“No…”

“Good for you. Would’ve haunted you for the rest of your life.” Mikey leans against the door frame and sighs. Gerard takes out a cigarette, everything is too loud in the suddenly eerie quiet room. Even Frank looks a bit sheepish.

“It was just a joke. For fun, you know?” he says.

“I know, but…Frank. That was just mean. Why do you have such a problem with them?”

Frank shrugs. “I don’t.”

“Right.”

“Mikey…”

“I would make you apologize if I thought it would be a good idea, but I don’t and you…you two! Honestly!” He throws his hands up in frustration.

“Mikey.”

“You said you would be good,” Mikey says.

“He didn’t promise…” Frank throws in. It doesn’t help Gerard’s case at all.

“That doesn’t matter.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You always are,” Mikey sounds tired.

Gerard feels like the worst big brother ever. He let Mikey down more than once and he should know better than that.  
“I’ll try to be good, I promise.”  
It’s a compromise at best, but Mikey nods.

  
~+~  
Ryan tore everything apart when he got home. Everything he could tear apart – and it was a lot. With the remnants of his hurricane impersonation scattered around the room, he sat down on the floor and just stared at the wall across from him, watching the light play on the raised blue surface. It was time for another colour, he mused.  
Spencer shows up two hours later and Ryan is still sitting on the floor. Unmoving like a statue made of marble. It’s kinda creepy.

“Ryan?”

“You know, I can’t remember the last time I was so…”

“Angry?”

“Wrathful.” Ryan finishes.

“Ryan…” Spencer sighs hopelessly.

“You know he deserves everything he gets now. You know that Spencer.” Ryan says quietly.

“It was a joke…”

“I saw your face; you wanted to rip his throat out.” Ryan answers calmly. It’s not a good sign when Ryan is that calm, but on the other side he just tore his apartment apart.

“Yes,” Spencer says, stepping closer. Wanting to offer some comfort.

“Don’t…”

“Ryan?”

“I’m feeling violent.”

“I can see that.”

“I mean it. I really…I could hurt you. Just stay where you are.”

“Do you need something?”

“I want him to suffer…”

“It’s just your rage talking.”

“My pride.” Ryan wasn’t above sulking too.

“Your ego too…”

“Maybe that too,” he answers laughing, but it sounds bitter. “Coffee,” he adds.

“Okay,” Spencer answers with a nod and turns to go into the kitchen.

“Spencer?”

“Yeah…”

“I don’t think I have any mugs left.” Ryan says, he doesn’t sound particularly sorry. Well, he is a rock star and he can do what he wants with his crockery.

“Okay.” Spencer says turning again, he’ll just get something at the nearest Starbucks. No problem at all.

“Spencer?”

“Yeah?” he asks turning to look at Ryan again.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I mean…”

“For wanting to kill him, I know, Ryan.”

“Yeah…” Ryan says with a small smile.

“So…Starbucks?”

“Chai, please.” Ryan answers, watching Spencer leave.

 

 **~Chapter 2~  
 _I see my bones._**

 **  
_  
_   
**

To say seeing Ryan Ross standing at the edge of the stage is a shock is the understatement of the year. Gerard nudges Frank during ‘Prison’ and Frank follows his gaze for a second before he focuses on Gerard again. Grinning. Gerard frowns, but not for long, because then Frank is on him and the crowd goes nuts.  
He can’t forget Ryan’s light frame though. He glances in Ryan’s direction every so often. Whose eyes follow his every move. Face blank.

“You think he’s planning revenge?” Frank asks laughing.

“He could be.” Bob muses.

“Should we be afraid?” Frank likes to be on the same emotional level as his bandmates. It would suck to be the only one pissing their pants laughing when everyone else is freaking the fuck out. Not that this hasn’t happened before. But he’s not allowed to speak about it. So instead, he decides to suss out the Ross situation and where they stand.

“You’re not now…but maybe you should look out for spiders in your bed, or coffee, or vegan cupcakes.” Bob answers, just to freak Frank out. It works.

“He wouldn’t, would he?”

“Wouldn’t put it past him, but give the kid some credit, his revenge will have flair.” Mikey states, holding no sympathy here.

“Yeah…” Frank admits. He totally would. Frank begins to giggle. “You said flair…”

“So?”

“You sound like their publicist.” Frank says still giggling. “Revenge best served with flair.”  
Mikey rolls his eyes.

“Lets ignore the flair for a moment. What do you think he has planned?” asked Bob, ignoring Frank crawling over him making funny hand gestures and describing everything as flairy.

“He’s from Vegas. Mob connections?” ventures Mikey

Frank scoffs. “Puh-leese. Like the mob would get involved with a Mormon schoolboy.”

“Doesn’t mean anything. You went to catholic school.” Bob throws in.

“All catholic schools are a hotbed for evil and guilt trips. Everyone knows that.” Gerard says with a dismissive wave of his hand.

  
“You’re worried.” Mikey says later that night, it’s not a question at all. Gerard exhales smoke, closes his sketchbook and looks at his brother.

“Yeah, is it...you know…crazy to be worried about a bunch of Vegas kids getting back at us for Frank running his mouth off?”

“No. You were as much an ass as Frank and that last thing? Too far. And not funny at all.” Mikey answers sitting down on the floor, back against the couch, next to Gerard.

“I thought Spencer was gonna rip Frank’s throat out. He looked murderous.”

“He looked like you do when someone is harassing me.” Mikey says.

“True, I guess…”

“Frank went too far. You know he did.”

“I know. You think I should have apologized.”

“Yeah…too late now, Frank is lucky if he just finds spiders in his coffee and not his underwear.” Mikey answers with a smile.

“I don’t think they are that violent.”

“You don’t know them…just because they look harmless…it doesn’t mean anything. And besides Ryan has enough issues to cover for all of them…and a temper.”

“Huh.” Is all Gerard can answer.

  
~+~  
“You stalked My Chem again?”

“No, I let them see me.” Ryan answers sitting down next to Brendon, burying his head in the crook of Brendon’s neck, just inhaling.

“So, they can fear you now?”

“Exactly.” Ryan answers, running his tongue over Brendon’s skin Not realising how ridiculous he sounds. Brendon shivers a bit but stays calm, even his heartbeat is the same.

“And that is stage one of your plan?”

“No, that was stage two. Stage one was the whole stalking thing,” Jon says from the door. He’s eating something and Ryan’s stomach growls as it suddenly remembers being hungry.

“Didn’t you eat?” Brendon asks worried.

“I was busy.” Ryan shrugs.

“Stalking My Chem?” asks Jon.

“He let them see him today, so they can live in fear of his wrath,” Brendon answers.

“You sure you want to do that?” Jon asks, ever the voice of reason.

“I do, they deserve whatever they get. Spencer is on my side.” Ryan says, kissing Brendon’s neck.

“Spencer always sides with you,” Jon says.

“Not true.” Ryan mumbles. He is honestly distracted now. Brendon smells really fucking good.

“Wanna take this somewhere else?” Brendon asks.

“No…I… no.” Ryan says, licking one last time over Brendon’s skin and sinking down, so his head rests in Brendon’s lap. “I’m good.”

“You’re not.” Jon says.

“I will eat later…this evening. I think, yeah. I don’t want…I’m not that hungry at all.”

“Liar,” Brendon whispers.

“You’re a bit addicted to it, aren’t you?” Ryan asks, his eyes are closed, he is hungry and he feels tired. He just wants to sleep for some time, with Brendon’s body heat surrounding him.

“Nah…”

“Who’s the liar now?” He yawns, Jon laughs.

“You should take a nap and later…”

“Yeah…with Spencer.” Ryan says, getting comfortable in Brendon’s lap.

“Do we need to wake you?”

“No, I will know.”

“Of course.” Jon says and that’s the last thing Ryan hears.

  
~+~  
It’s just a bit irritating, that is all. Ryan Ross standing on the edge of the stage. Sometimes just for a song or two, face always blank. Careful.

“Maybe he’s just…”

“Stalking us?” Frank supplies.

“Looks like it.” Bob says. Mikey says nothing. Ray nods his head.

“It’s irritating at best.” Gerard inhales smoke and keeps it in his lungs until they protest.

“Don’t do that…” Mikey says softly and Gerard exhales.

“He’s just a kid. Just a kid in the crowd.” Bob says.  
He’s not. Not to Gerard.

“They aren’t just kids to Gerard,” Frank says, Gerard turns from Mikey to look at Frank. “What?” Frank hunches his shoulders at Gerard before pointing a finger at him. “You never think of them just as kids…you’re seeing lives, dreams, possibilities.”

“Yeah…” It’s true after all.

“But they have everything,” Frank goes on.

“They don’t,” Mikey sounds firm, even if his voice is quiet.

“Maybe…you can’t always have everything. Get everything, but they have music, they have fans, each other….what else could they possibly want?” Frank asks, Gerard isn’t sure he really wants an answer to that.  
Mikey keeps stubbornly quiet.

  
~+~  
“Respect.” It’s not a question.

“Yeah…” Mikey answers, he leans against his brother, so his head rests on Gerard’s shoulder.

“Our respect.”

“Yes, maybe not even ours, maybe just your’s…he was one of those kids. And now he isn’t, but he believes and he fights for this. And they get a lot of shit from a lot of people…”

“Like us.”

“Yes, but…”  
Gerard takes a drag of his cigarette and flips the butt in to a puddle, it rained earlier that day. Mikey’s breath feels warm, moist and comforting on his skin. “I’m not saying, go and make up with him. Kiss it better…”

“I would.” Gerard jokes self deprecatingly.

Mikey laughs. “You’re being an ass. Just go talk to them.”

“I try.” He looks at his brother carefully. “Why are you so invested in this all of a sudden?”

Mikey shrugs. “Maybe I don’t want to wake up with spiders up my ass. That’s good enough for me.”

“It shouldn’t be,” Gerard answers, leaning into Mikey.

“Just go talk to them. Ok?” Mikey insists.  
Gerard nods. Sure, what harm could it do?

  
~+~  
Despite all the years, Spencer never really got comfortable with this…situation. This thing. This survival. He doesn’t like to think about it, he doesn’t really like to be here with Ryan when he gets like this – caught up in the situation. But that’s why it’s Spencer for Ryan, to hold him back. To be the voice of reason, to hurry the process up. To take Ryan home afterwards, when he’s sluggish and exhausted. And high. So fucking high. Nothing Spencer could ever possibly take could/would make him feel like this. Like Ryan is feeling in these short hours. Spencer doesn’t hate it, doesn’t hate Ryan.

“I’m sorry…” Ryan says when they’re lying on the couch in the lounge. Curled around each other like a pair of lost kids.

“Don’t.”

“Brendon offered.” Ryan explains.

“He always does.”

“I’m sorry Spencer.”

“It’s not your fault.”

Ryan keeps quite. He knows it isn’t his fault, but he can’t not feel responsible for the whole mess anyway. Because he could have let it go, the band thing. Could have finished it for good after Brent, but he didn’t.  
“Do you ever want a normal life?”

“Sometimes.” Spencer says, because this is Ryan.

“Without…you know?” He can’t bring himself to say it.

“No, never.” Spencer says sharply, tightening his hold on Ryan.

“Never?”

“Never.”

  
Ryan sometimes thinks about how his life could have been. How their lives could have been, if he hadn’t told Spencer. But there really was no way he could not tell Spencer. Spencer knows everything about Ryan and that’s why he told him. He was confused and scared and Spencer was there for him. Told him, it wasn’t his fault, and Ryan knew it wasn’t but he blames himself nevertheless.  
There was no way of keeping this from the band, he needed them to know. It wasn’t fair to demand anything, he _didn’t demand anything_ , he just told them, let them know. He just needed Spencer to ground him, and Brendon… And he feels guilty for Brendon. He really does, even if Brendon doesn’t seem to mind.

 _“It’s…he seems addicted to it. Like he wants it too much,” Ryan says. “I shouldn’t…I never should have let him allow me to...”_

 _“It’s not. It’s not that I want it too much.” Brendon says and Ryan’s head snaps in that direction, how could he sneak up on Ryan? “You’re always distracted by Spencer’s heartbeat when you’re together.” Brendon says, as if reading Ryan’s thoughts._

 _“What is it then?”_

 _“It’s you. I want…you too much.” Brendon says._

 _“Oh…”_

And then Brent left, couldn’t take it anymore and he could have stopped, should have stopped. Ryan didn’t. Didn’t stop, didn’t give them their lives back.  
 _“We never wanted them back.” Spencer says. What he doesn’t say is ‘you never took anything away from us.’._  
And then, they found Jon, or Jon found them.

  
~+~  
“What is wrong with you?!” Mikey wants to know.

“This will not turn into a stupid vendetta, I will not let that happen.” Bob says.

“It irritates the shit out of me when he’s staring at us,” Frank answers.

“And that’s why do you have to provoke them?” Mikey asks. He’s pissed, Gerard can tell.

“It’s just a quote…”

“Yeah…because ‘you better back your shit up’ is just a quote here.” Mikey replies.

“Relax, they aren’t going to murder us.”

“This is so fucking stupid!” Bob throws in.  
Gerard secretly asks himself if the Panic boys are like them with this. Or if they all back Ryan up in his revenge. He thinks they are. They seem like that. It’s not that he thinks his band isn’t loyal and shit, but they have different ideas about a lot of things and this shit Gerard and Frank started, well, Mikey wasn’t too happy about it and Bob backs Mikey up. Bob usually backs up the voice of reason.

  
“He needs to control himself,” Mikey huffs.

“It’s Frank,” Gerard answers.

“This shit will blow up if he doesn’t stop. Or if you don’t stop him.”

“There isn’t much I can do…”

“You’re the leader,” Mikey says firmly. Gerard stretches so he can grab the packet of cigarettes that is lying on the table.

“I’m not the leader…I’m just the singer.” Gerard invented denial.

“Yeah, right. Talk to him.”

“Mikey,” he says inhaling smoke, it calms him down a bit. He doesn’t want to be the one who will stop Frank. God.

“Talk to him.”

“I…”

“Talk to him. This shit has to stop.” Mikey says. It’s not that Gerard doesn’t know that. He knows, he just doesn’t know how to go about following Mikey’s orders.

“Okay, I will.”

“Good.” Mikey says, leaning against the back of the couch, Gerard can feel his body heat. It’s nice.

“About Ryan…” he begins, Mikey shifts to look at his brother.

“Yeah?”

“Nothing.”

“Right.”  
Gerard knows that voice, but he really doesn’t know how to ask. Not yet.

 

 **~Chapter 3~  
 _I know your eyes, but not that smile._**

 **  
_  
_   
**

They’re playing Vegas and Mikey made his stance very clear on the whole Panic/Vegas matter. Bob stared Frank down the whole time Mikey was talking.

“Jesus! I’m not the Antichrist, you know?!” Frank had said. Mikey glared and Bob said nothing. “I’ll behave.” Frank said after a while. Gerard kept silent, just watching.

  
He could have stayed in the hotel, but sometimes you just need to get out. Be on the street and Vegas is big and loud and the possibility that someone will recognise him isn’t that big. After all, everyone wants to see something, be somewhere. All the lights and the glitter and hope.  
He takes out a cigarette, lights it and takes a deep drag. It burns a bit. He has no idea where he’s going and he’s sure he will have to call someone to pick him up when he gets lost. It’s a ‘when’ here not an ‘if’.  
It comes as a surprise. Really. Seeing Spencer holding Ryan up in a small alley, near a night club. Ryan looks honestly out of it. He leans heavy on Spencer, then turns to nuzzle Spencer’s neck. Spencer seems to push him gently aside, but Ryan is clinging. Gerard is staring and he knows that, he should go before someone sees him. Before Spencer sees him, but he can’t. Somehow his feet just don’t want to move, he’s frozen to the spot, and every noise seems to be muted. He can hear clearly the desperate “Spencer…” and then, “Sorry, I’m so sorry.” And Spencer’s “Shhh.” And that’s the moment Spencer looks up, away from Ryan and sees him, staring. Spencer glares and Gerard turns and leaves the alley.

“Mikey…” Gerard says and Mikey looks up as does Pete.

“You should go,” Mikey says to Pete and Pete just nods and leaves.

“I’m sorry.” Gerard says.

“Come here.” Mikey answers and shifts on the couch so Gerard can put his head in Mikey’s lap. “What is it?”

“I…”

“Wanna talk about it?” Mikey asks, petting Gerard’s hair. Gerard takes a deep breath and shakes his head a little.

“No.”

“Okay,” Mikey answers.

  
The next time he runs into Ryan is a few weeks later after the MTV awards show. He doesn’t know which one. Doesn’t matter. He just wants to get away for a while. Searching a corner to be alone, maybe smoke five cigarettes and think. Movement catches his interest, so he stops and looks into the corner. It’s too dark to really see more than shadows and it really is none of his business who makes out with whom here. He is about to turn when a noise forces him to stay.

“Bren…”

“It’s okay,” Brendon says.

“I need.” Ryan answers and then there are some wet noises, sucking, maybe. Rustling of clothes and Gerard knows he shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t watch this, shouldn’t be listening. It’s none of his business.  
There is a gasp and he thinks Brendon made it. But he can’t be sure. More wet noises and then a soft “Gerard…” and Ryan’s eyes lock with his and he stumbles and flees the hall.  
He doesn’t see where he’s running, and that’s why he runs into Jon. He stumbles and would have fallen, but Jon grabs his wrist hard with one hand and the other fists in his shirt.

“Sorry.” Gerard says as he’s leaning on the wall, steadying himself.

“You okay?” Jon wants to know.

“No. I mean…yeah.”

“Sure?” Jon asks, he’s smiling and Gerard feels like an idiot for harassing them.

“Yeah…I’m sorry.” He says and Jon lifts one eyebrow.  
Gerard wants to explain, but in this moment Spencer appears on Jon’s side, grabbing his wrist and glaring at Gerard.

“It’s Ryan….” Spencer says low.

“Okay.” Jon says, letting Spencer pull him away.

  
He should be rooming with Frank, but he really needs Mikey now and Frank has no problem rooming with Bob.

“Mikey?” he says as he’s lying down next to his brother, his forehead resting against Mikey’s, his eyes closed.

“Yeah?” Mikey’s eyes are closed too, the room is dark and their legs are tangled, Mikey’s hand is stroking Gerard’s side, Gerard is painting invisible patterns on Mikey’s hipbone. Gerard breaths in: The smell and warmth and familiarity of this situation, this moment.

“I wanna talk.”  
Mikey answers with a smile, Gerard can’t see it but knows it’s there.  
“About Ryan.”

“Okay,” Mikey says, his hand stills for one moment before he copies Gerard’s patterns on Gerard’s own hip.

“I saw him with Spencer last month…I think they made out and tonight. With Brendon.”

“Hmmm…”

“I think he was drunk. Last month. Maybe tonight too.”

“Ryan doesn’t drink.” Mikey says firmly. Gerard believes him.

“Oh…”

“Why does this bother you?”

“I….can’t stop thinking about it.”

“About Ryan.” Mikey clarifies. Gerard nods.

“Yeah,” he says.

Mikey shifts so Gerard can burrow his head in the bony crook of Mikey’s neck, he pulls Gerard closer and strokes his hair.  
“It will be okay,” he whispers. Gerard has no idea what Mikey is talking about, but he believes his brother, because Mikey always believed in him. Mikey kisses his hair and Gerard sighs. Mikey smells good, clean and warm. “Think you can sleep now?” he whispers.

“Yes…” Gerard answers quietly. It’s not a lie.

  
~+~  
Ryan is lying curled up on the end of the couch. Huddled under a blanket and not talking to anyone, not looking at anyone.

“Gerard saw us,” Brendon says, he’s touching the bruise on his neck. He always plays with them.

“Damn.” Spencer says. Ryan knows he wants to rip Gerard’s throat out, just to prevent him from telling it.

“I don’t think he will…jump to the wrong conclusions.”

“He’s a scary, crazy motherfucker.” Spencer says and sits down next to Ryan on the couch. He doesn’t touch Ryan. It would do no good.

“He didn’t see anything, really.” Brendon says. “He just saw us…making out?” It sounds somehow childish.

“Oh…”

“He saw Spencer and me last month.” Ryan says softly, he’s still not looking at anyone.

“Oh.” Brendon says.

“Not the…not what we were doing.” Spencer explains, because apparently Ryan is done with talking once again.

“So, he just thinks I’m a slut. Sleeping with all my band mates.” Ryan says bitter.

“No one thinks that!”

“He didn’t see you with Jon.” Brendon throws in.

“Brendon!”

“I…”

“Just shut up!” Ryan hisses.

“Ryan…”

“Don’t touch me!” Ryan says dangerously low. Spencer lets his hand fall and sighs. “I’m sorry…just, don’t okay, just don’t. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You never hurt us.”

“I’m constantly hurting you.” Ryan says not looking at them.

“You’re not. It’s…we don’t mind.” Brendon says.

“It doesn’t make things better!”  
They know there is no talking with him when he’s like this. All guilty and desperate. It will pass, it always does.

  
~+~  
“I need you to come with me.” Gerard says and looks at his brother.

“Where?”

“Say yes first.”

“I…Gerard. Where?”

“Say yes.”

“God! You’re such a child.”

“Say yes.”

“Yes.”

“I love you, you know that?”

“Yeah, and now where are we going?”

“Panic show.”

“Gerard.”

“You said yes.”

“God…why?”

“I don’t know. Something isn’t right with them…”

“Just let it go.”

“Do you know something?” Gerard asks suspiciously.

“No. I just don’t think this is very healthy and besides…have you seen some of their interviews?”

“No.”

“Here…wait.” Mikey says, starting his notebook and clicking through some youtube clips. “Watch.” He says in his best ‘no nonsense’ voice and Gerard does.

“Oh,” Gerard says when he’s done.

“Yes, I really don’t know how you could miss that.” Mikey answers.

“I…I didn’t pay any attention to them as a band. As people…it was just the music.”

“That’s not really an excuse.” Mikey answers.

“Well, still. You’re coming with me.” It’s a question even if Gerard didn’t formulate it as one. Mikey nods. Of course he’s going with Gerard.

  
~+~  
“That’s him,” Brendon whispers into Ryan’s ear. Ryan follows Brendon’s gaze. It’s really him. Gerard. With his brother. He looks over his shoulder to see Spencer frown. He smiles at Spencer and lets Brendon kiss his neck. He isn’t alone in this.

  
“You want to talk to them?” Jon asks after the show. He’s towelling his hair.

“No.” Spencer says.

“It’s not you I’m asking.”

Brendon is a warm presence in Ryan’s back. His arms wrapped around Ryan’s waist. It feels nice, it feels safe.  
“He’s not going to chat with them,” Spencer is a wall. Unmoving.

“It’s not your decision to make.” Jon says calmly.

“He’s right,” Brendon throws in.

“Shut up,” Spencer is not having any of it. Ryan can tell that he still wants to rip Gerard’s throat out or heart. Spencer is sometimes dramatic like that.

“Spencer…”

“What? You want to talk?” He asks, turning to look at Ryan instead of Jon.

“Maybe…”

“What’s with revenge?”

“I didn’t say I want peace.” Ryan answers.

“What then?”

“I just want to know what they want. Why they’re here.”

“I’m coming with you,” Spencer says, Brendon’s arms tighten around Ryan’s waist.

“No, I’m taking Brendon with me.”

“Ryan.”

“Spencer.” Ryan answers and then there is silence, filled with meaningful looks and a sigh when Spencer gives in. “Thanks.”

“Don’t make me regret it,” Spencer answers.

“I won’t.”

  
~+~  
They’re hanging around backstage waiting.

“I won’t be surprised if they don’t want to talk to us, you know?” Mikey is bored. Really bored.

“I know. But maybe they’re curious? I hope they are, I would be.” Gerard drags hard on his cigarette.

“You are.” Mikey says with a soft smile.

“Yeah…you’ve seen them?”

“Yeah, nothing you and Frank don’t do on stage.”

“It’s different.” Gerard says. “Something is different, they don’t seem to pretend.”

“What does that mean?”

“Frank and I – that’s pretend. But it’s show. It’s us worked up and horny. There is no…”

“Love.”

“Maybe.” Gerard says, but what he means is ‘yes’. And Mikey knows that, so he doesn’t have to say it out loud.

  
~+~  
Ryan’s grip on Brendon’s wrist is bordering on painful. He doesn’t say anything.

“You ready?”

“No.”

“We could go back.” Brendon says quietly.

“No.”

“Okay.”

  
~+~  
“Hi,” Mikey says. Gerard thinks it’s good that Spencer isn’t here.

“Hi,” it’s Brendon who’s answering with a small smile. Ryan’s hand is wrapped around Brendon’s wrist hard. Gerard can see how the skin whites out under the pressure. Brendon doesn’t seem to mind.

“Good show.” Mikey says.

“Thanks…” Brendon begins, but Ryan interrupts.

“What do you want?” And he’s looking at Gerard when he asks it.

“Talk…apologise?” It shouldn’t be a question. Brendon laughs. Ryan nudges him.

“What? It’s funny…”

“Why?” Ryan asks. What he means is: Why now. Gerard knows.

“Because…I saw you.” Gerard says and Mikey sighs. Trust Gerard to say something like that in a situation like this. Ryan’s grip on Brendon gets tighter and Brendon winces.

“Sorry…” Ryan whispers. Brendon leans in and Ryan closes his eyes, inhaling Brendon’s scent.

“It’s okay, just breathe.” Brendon says, kissing his neck.  
It’s too intimate. Gerard wants to look away, but he can’t. He won’t.

“He doesn’t mean it in a bad way,” Mikey says into the silence and Ryan opens his eyes.

“No?” Brendon asks.

“No, he just really wants to apologise. For being an ass and for Frank being an ass.”

“Yeah…what he said.” Gerard says, looking at Ryan not at Brendon. Something about that kid, something he can’t quite put his finger on.

“Okay, we aren’t mad…well Spencer is.”

“He wants to rip out my liver,” Gerard says. Brendon laughs. He has a nice laugh.

“Yeah, he does. We all wanted to do that.” He says earnestly.

“It’s okay,” Mikey answers. “We would have done the same.”

“Not for the same reasons.” Gerard says, Ryan flinches again and Mikey gives him a look. A warning one. As does Brendon. But he keeps quiet.

“Gerard.” Mikey says.

“Yeah…we need to go,” he answers, griping his brother’s sleeve.

“Bye!” Mikey shouts as Gerard pulls him away.

  
“What was that all about?”

“I don’t know. He irritates me. He irritates the shit out of me. There is something. The way he seems to be so harmless, so vulnerable, so breakable and so violent on the inside. Like a wounded animal, a dangerous wounded animal.” Gerard replies inhaling deep.

“That’s no excuse for being an ass.”

“I know, I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“It just happened,” Mikey says.

“Yeah…it’s him.”

“Gerard.”

“I know, I know.”

“It’s not just that he’s so young.”

“I know, Mikey, okay?”

“You know nothing.”

“Tell me then.”

“Promise me you won’t do anything.” Mikey says serious.

“Mikey…”

“Promise me.”

“I can’t.”

“Gerard.”

“I won’t lie to you.”

“Shit!” Mikey says, running a hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re not. But maybe you will be. Soon.”

“Mikey…”

“I can’t.”

“Okay,” Gerard answers softly.

  
~+~  
“Don’t tell Spencer.” Ryan says.

“Ryan.”

“Don’t tell him. It’s not what he will think it is.”

“He wants to know.” And Ryan knows they aren’t talking about Spencer right now.

“Yeah…”

“Do you want him to know?”

“I wanted…I really wanted, but not anymore. It’s too dangerous. We can’t tell anyone…it’s bad enough Brent knows.”

“Ryan.” Brendon’s hold on Ryan’s wrist tightens, he strokes with his thump circles into the soft skin. “We don’t care.”

“You should. I’m dangerous.”  
It’s true. There is no arguing with it. They all know that but Ryan warns them. Tells them to stay away when he feels like tearing someone apart. They aren’t stupid.

“You would never hurt us.”

“I wouldn’t. Not with purpose.”

“See? We love you.” Brendon says.

“I know.”

  
“How was it?”

“He apologised.” Brendon says.

“That’s all?”

“Yeah…it was awkward as hell.” Brendon snickers.

“So, we aren’t planning revenge anymore?” Jon wants to know.

“We….I don’t know?” Brendon looks to Ryan.

“No, I think we aren’t.”

“Until they do something stupid again, then it’s spiders in the whole bus.” Spencer says, his voice is light though. He isn’t one for stupid vendettas.

  
Ryan is lying in his bed thinking about what Gerard said. He knows Gerard wasn’t really mean. Maybe. It was…he doesn’t know. He knows that Gerard thinks they’re in some kind of relationship. As in love. They are. There’s no denying it. They are. Because they are safe. Ryan feels safe with them. Human.

“You are.” Jon says, he’s pouring milk into a bowl.

“I’m not. Not really. I’m a freak.” He doesn’t say the other word. The one that describes what he is.

“You’re not.”

“Are you staying?”

“Yeah. You want to go eat outside later?”

“No…I want. Could you…”

“Of course.” Jon answers.

“I could ask Spencer.” Ryan says.

“No, it’s okay, you know it is.”

“Jon.”

“Don’t say you’re sorry.”

“I won’t.”

“Okay,” Jon answers, pushes the bowl aside and takes of his shirt. “Come here…” he says softly.

“I didn’t mean now.”

“You want to, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Ryan’s voice is low and seductive, he doesn’t do it on purpose it’s part of who he is. Jon always thinks in terms of ‘who’ never ‘what’.

 

 **~Chapter 4~  
 _I call and wait the damned are answering._**

 **  
_  
_   
**

Mikey knows Gerard will not let it go. He can’t. Because he is how he is. And he’s afraid. Afraid of what that would mean. What that will do to Ryan.  
He can’t do anything although. It’s not his problem to fix.

“Ross,” Gerard’s voice is soft. It sounds as if he’s speaking to an animal.

“Yeah?” Ryan answers, turning around to look at the person who called his name like that. “Oh.” Ryan was not expecting the sight before him.

“Hi?”

“Hi,” he answers, “what do you want?”

“Do you need to be somewhere?” Gerard asks. Ryan seems to think about it, but he shakes his head.

“Not right now.”

“Wanna have a drink with me?”

“I don’t drink.”

“Ever?”

“I mean, alcohol. I drink other…things.”

Gerard laughs. “Yeah. I thought so, I don’t drink either.”

“I know.”

“You do?”

“I read.”  
Gerard smiles. A faint blush spreads over Ryan’s cheek. It looks good. It looks innocent. Mikey would kill him if he knew what Gerard is doing. “I didn’t know.” Gerard says and Ryan lifts one eyebrow. “About you…liking our band.” He doesn’t say fan-boying like crazy. It would not be nice and he knows he confuses the hell out of Ryan anyway. He confuses a lot of people. He’s used to it.

“I…it’s nothing. Lots of people like your band. It’s nothing special.” Ryan says, but Gerard knows he means ‘I’. And that might be true, might _been_ true, it isn’t anymore. He wants to tell Ryan that, but Ryan’s sidekick rings and he takes the call, mumbling something into the phone. Shutting it down, closing his eyes.  
“Spencer is coming to pick me up.” He says, not looking at Gerard.

“We could have dinner or something another time?” Gerard asks. Ryan looks conflicted. “I mean, just to talk…I’m not hitting on you.” He adds laughing a bit.

“I…didn’t think that.”

“I know you’re taken.” Gerard says, but it sounds a little bit like a question. Ryan nods.

“Not available,” Ryan says with a bitter smile.

“Ryan?”

“It’s nothing. I should be going. Spencer…” he says, turning to leave. And Gerard really doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, well, it’s more of ‘why’. He grabs Ryan’s wrist and jerks him back, against his own body. “Fuck!” Ryan says and then nothing else, because Gerard’s lips are on his. So much for not hitting on him, but honestly whom was Gerard kidding anyway?

  
~+~  
Ryan has a minute of panic. Real panic. All his instincts are screaming. Because Gerard is _willing_. So easy. So dangerous. He doesn’t want to, but he really, really can’t help himself.

“The HELL!?” Spencer’s voice and then Gerard is gone and Ryan can feel Spencer’s grip and his heart, hear the blood rush. Hard and fast. It might be his own.

“I’m sorry…” he says.

“Shh…I’m not blaming you,” Spencer whispers. “I know you wouldn’t…”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Spencer says. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah…no. Where is Brendon?” Ryan asks, and he doesn’t ask that often, just when he really needs it badly.

“In the car. We’ll get you home.” Spencer says softly into Ryan’s ear and Ryan shivers.

“Thank you.”

“It’s okay.” Spencer says, handing him over to Jon. He must be really out of it, he thinks, because he didn’t even hear Jon coming.

“You smell good.” Ryan says, Jon smiles down at him. “Need Brendon.” He mumbles.

“Spencer?” Jon asks.

“Take him to Brendon, I will be there in a few minutes.”

“Spencer…” Ryan says weakly.

“I need to do that.” Spencer says firmly and turns to face Gerard, who looks a little bit bewildered, but mostly pissed. “You will stay away from him.” He says low and dangerous. And he isn’t big, he’s young and still he looks intimidating. Spencer doesn’t wait for an answer. He leaves Gerard standing in the alley.

  
“Are you feeling better now?” Spencer asks.

“Yeah…I didn’t see it coming. Really. I wouldn’t…I was just surprised.” Ryan answers, Brendon is lying on the bed, his eyes closed, his naked body under the covers, the bruise on his neck looks angry and vivid.

“You wore him out.”

“I was…”

“Turned on beyond belief?” Jon asks. He’s stroking Brendon’s hair.

“Yes,” Ryan says, he sounds ashamed.

“It’s okay, Ryan. It really is. We just need to be careful. That is all.”

“I’m sorry.” Ryan says again.

“You don’t need to be. It wasn’t your fault. Not the first time, not tonight. And Brendon doesn’t mind, he really doesn’t. None of us does. You know that.” Jon says.

“It’s just…such a mess. And it is my fault. I didn’t eat. I didn’t think it would be an issue. But then…and he was there and he wanted. He was _offering_.” Ryan replies frustrated.

“He was offering? Himself?”

“Yes,” it’s just a hiss. “Yes. And I wanted.”

“You wanted…” Jon says.

Ryan groans and lets himself fall on the bed next to Brendon.  
“Such a mess…” he says again, stroking Brendon’s cheek and then the bruise on his neck. Bending down to kiss it. Lick it. It doesn’t make it disappear - it never does, but it makes him feel calmer. He knows it makes Spencer uncomfortable, but he can’t bring himself to care right now. Brendon opens his eyes and smiles.

“Wild child hmmm?”

Ryan laughs, “Yeah.”

“Come here.” He mumbles making room for Ryan and Ryan takes it. Fits himself into Brendon’s arms and closes his eyes, inhaling the scent of sex, sweat and blood. Bathing in the body heat. He feels the bed shift when Jon lies down on Brendon’s other side. And then again when Spencer settles down beside him.

  
~+~  
“It’s weird.”

“They are protective of each other.” Mikey says shrugging.

“Yeah…that too. But something. It was something as I kissed him…”

“God, Gerard!”

“I couldn’t help myself.”

“You never can. And now? What a mess.”

“Something’s wrong there.”

“It doesn’t seem like that to me.”

“I just need to know.”

“You don’t. But I think my advice is falling on deaf ears, isn’t it?”

“Well…rather once that don’t care.”

“Don’t quote Pete at me.”

  
They are shielding Ryan. That’s why he can’t get close enough to talk. He can’t get close enough to do anything.

“Call Pete.” Gerard says.

“Call him yourself.” Mikey answers, but gives him his cell.

“Thanks.”

“Whatever…” Mikey answers sighing and leaving the room.  
An hour later Gerard has Ryan Ross’ number. It wasn’t that difficult to get it from Pete, but it wasn’t exactly easy either. He lied and it was just his luck that they didn’t tell Pete about Gerard.

  
“Yeah?”

“Ryan?”

“Yeah…and?”

“Gerard.”

“Fuck! Where did you get this number?”

“Pete.”

“Of course. Listen., I don’t want you to call me.” Ryan whispers.

“Are you in your bunk?” Gerard asks.

“Yes, why…?”

“Just a question.” Gerard answers. Ryan’s breath hitches.

“Just don’t call again.” He says and there is a ‘please’ at the end he doesn’t say, before he disconnects the call.

  
~+~  
Ryan is lying in his bunk staring into the darkness.  
“Ryan?” Spencer’s voice, soft and worried.

“I’m okay.”

“You’re not.”

“I’m not then,” Ryan answers, shifting, burring his head in the pillow. “I don’t want to talk.”

“Okay.”

  
Ryan is pacing the room. He can’t sit down, he feels restless, raw, open. For everyone to see, for everyone who will take the time to _look_.  
Brendon at his back, lets him stand in the middle of the room, leaning into the warmth of his body.

“I can’t take it anymore.” Ryan whispers. He feels desperate.

“We know.”

“God, just let me.” Ryan says and Brendon kisses his neck. Just a brush of his lips but it’s enough and it normally wouldn’t be, but he’s worked up. “I’m really sorry, Bren…” he says when he turns in Brendon’s embrace to push Brendon on the couch. Too hard, he’s too rough.

“Don’t say that. Just don’t say that anymore.” Brendon grits out.

“Okay,” Ryan answers. And that’s the last word he speaks for a while.  
Brendon shakes under him, he knows there will be bruises, finger shaped this time in places they maybe can’t cover up. On hips, on collar bones, on shoulders. Teeth marks. He doesn’t really want to mark them as his, but the primal part he tries so hard to control, wants them all marked, owned.  
The push comes too sudden, too hard, Brendon isn’t really ready and he arches up, cries out before he bites his lip so hard it bleeds.

“Shit,” that’s Jon. He sees it first and Ryan snaps his head in his direction, away from Brendon. Primal instinct. He doesn’t know how he looks, but it can’t be pretty. It can’t, not with the lust and greed and violence circulating through him in waves. Crashing over him, burrow his brain, himself. “Ryan…” he says softly.

“I can’t…I’m sorry.” He says turning to Brendon again.  
Brendon breaths and looks at him, he doesn’t look frightened, Ryan thinks he should. He bends down but then he smells something else, something rich coming form the other side of the room. He knows it’s Spencer. Spencer’s blood is dripping on the floor and Ryan pulls out, gets up, follows Spencer into the bathroom.

  
“I’m so sorry.” Ryan is sitting in the bathtub. He will not come out. It’s already progress that they are allowed to be in the same room as him.

“Ryan…”

“I didn’t want to.” He screams. “And I can’t control it. I can’t, I tried…maybe we should…”

“Don’t say it!” Brendon is screaming now too. He’s a bit hysterical, he’s clinging to Jon’s shirt because he needs to touch, needs to be touched. And it was Jon who finished what Ryan started. Tonight. Sometimes it’s Spencer. But usually it’s Jon, because Spencer will let Ryan feed off him when it gets like this. Out of hand.

“He’s right. Don’t say it.” Jon says quietly.

“We should, we don’t need the money or something, we could just stop.” Ryan says nevertheless. Brendon’s eyes burn with something like hatred when he looks at Ryan.

“Don’t suggest it ever again. Ever.” He says, just above a whisper. Spencer shivers as does Jon. Ryan doesn’t, he doesn’t feel threatened, because he knows he could kill them all. He could, and maybe he will one day.

“I will, I will.” Ryan says, hugging his knees.

“No. You won’t. I will kill you.” Brendon says, letting go of Jon’s shirt and hurling himself at Ryan. He hurts himself on the edge of the tub in the process, but he doesn’t care. He fits himself against Ryan, who sucks in a breath, because Brendon’s knee is bleeding.

“Get away from me!”

“No!”

“Go away! Fuck, Brendon!”

“No!” Brendon clings to Ryan’s naked form, making him look at Brendon. “No. I’ll stay here and you are staying right beside me.”

“I can make you.” Ryan threatens.

“But you won’t,” Spencer says.

“Yeah…you won’t. Because you aren’t going to hurt me.” Brendon whispers. He shivers out of cold. He’s still as naked as Ryan and both of them are bloody. The difference is that it’s not Ryan’s blood on Ryan. “And now just shut up…I want to go to bed. I want to sleep right beside you, between Spencer and Jon…” he says into Ryan’s collar. His breath is warm and moist on Ryan’s skin. He nods.

“You two clean up first.” Spencer says getting up. Ryan’s gaze catches on the band aid on Spencer’s arm where he cut himself.

“So stupid…Spence.” Ryan says softly.

“You’re worth it.”

“Don’t even try to argue.” Brendon says firm. Ryan doesn’t.

  
~+~  
The thing is that Gerard can’t give up. So he calls again. And again and again. Until Spencer says some very rude things and Ryan’s number changes.

“Just let it go.” Mikey says. “They will arrest you for stalking.”

“Something isn’t right with that kid.”

“And why is this your business?”

“Because I can’t forget how he tastes.”

“God! I don’t want to hear that.” Mikey answers, but he smiles faintly.

“You so do.”

“No, I really don’t” Mikey answers.

  
~+~  
“It’s him.” Ryan says.

“We know.” Jon answers.

“Spencer dealt with it now. It should be okay.” Brendon says, stroking Ryan’s hair. It’s a particularly bad day, Ryan feels restless and hungry. Not violent, not yet. But it’s just a matter of time.

“Maybe if you had him….maybe it would go away?” Jon asks.

“Jon!” Spencer sounds pissed.

“Maybe this could help.” Brendon says, his fingers working its magic on Ryan’s neck now.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea…what with the whole blood sucking.” Spencer answers dryly. Ryan flinches in Brendon’s arms and Brendon glares at Spencer, Spencer glares right back. He knows he’s right.

“He’s a freak like that…” Jon muses.

“That doesn’t mean he will let me…” Ryan says softly. “And it doesn’t mean he _knows_ , just because he thinks he does. It’s not like people think it is. “

“Yeah…” Brendon whispers, because it really isn’t.

“And we can’t go and say ‘well, Ryan is sucking blood, and he thinks you offered’. Can we? I don’t think so,” Spencer says.

“What a mess.” Jon sums it up.

  
It’s just because Brendon can’t take it anymore and he knows Spencer and Jon can’t either, can’t watch Ryan hurting himself, but they will not do the necessary thing, because they’re afraid. So it has to be him.  
He takes a deep breath and dials the number.

“Yeah?”

“Gerard?”

“No, Mikey.”

“Can I speak to Gerard, please?” he asks, because it’s good to be polite if you are about to ask for someone’s blood.

“Just a moment.” Mikey says and Brendon hears some shifting and then some noise in the background. Before the phone is passed to Gerard.

  
~+~  
“Yeah?” Gerard asks, because he has no idea who he is talking too, Mikey just shrugged as he passed the phone.

“Gerard?”

“Yeah.”

“Here is Brendon. Panic’s singer?”

“I know. We met.” Gerard says and sits up straight. He really has no idea why Brendon would call him in the middle of the night weeks after Spencer made himself very clear.

“Yeah…listen I know…Spencer made himself clear on the whole Ryan subject, but maybe you should meet him. He needs…” he trails of.

“He needs what?”

“He needs…you.” Brendon says. Gerard is sure he wanted to say something else but settled on that because he couldn’t find the words? Couldn’t say it on the phone? He doesn’t know.

“What’s wrong with him?”

“He’savampire.” Brendon says in a rush.

“What?”

“He is a vampire.” Brendon repeats.

“What?” Because honestly something must be wrong with the connection. No way he heard what he heard. Right?

“It doesn’t make it less true because I’m saying it over and over again.” Brendon says.

“Right.” Gerard answers, taking out a cigarette. Remembering that he is at Mikey’s and shouldn’t smoke in here, and puts it away again. “You guys are touring right now, right?”

“Yeah…hotel night in three days.”

“I can be there….you are serious about this, right?”

“Yeah. Look, it’s not our revenge for all the stupid shit you and Frank did.”

“Okay….I mean, it’s a bit hard to believe is all.”

“Tell me about it.” Brendon says and Gerard can hear the smile in his voice. He thinks he could like Brendon – a lot.

 

 **~Chapter 5~  
 _And did you find out what it’s really like?_**

 **  
_  
_   
**

Jon takes Spencer with him when he’s hanging out with the Academy, which leaves Brendon with Ryan. He doesn’t mind. Ryan is good again. In tune with himself – as much as it is possible for him – and the world.  
They’re watching ‘Aladdin’ because Ryan said whatever when Brendon asked, as they hear the knock. Ryan blinks and looks at the door.

“It’s not Spencer and Jon…” he says slowly and then, “don’t let him in.” But Brendon is already up as Ryan stumbles to his feet. He does the only thing he thinks is safe. He flees to the bathroom and locks the door.

“Hi,” Gerard says. _Oh God_ , Ryan thinks. _Please. Just leave._

“Make him go away.” He shouts through the door. He knows he sounds vaguely panicked, he doesn’t care.

“Ryan…”

“You wanted him to come over.” Realisation hits hard with betrayal close behind.

“You need him.” Brendon argues through the door.

“I don’t!”

“Ryan…come out.”

“Shut up! Make him go away. I won’t. You hear me? I won’t!”

“I can make you.” Brendon says firmly.

“Yeah? How?”

“The same way Spencer does.” Brendon says calmly.

“Brendon…don’t. Please.” Ryan knows Brendon will and then everything will end in disaster. It _will_. A bloodbath. “You can’t do that. I will hurt you. I will hurt you both…maybe beyond repair. Brendon…” he says, searching for his cell. He needs someone with sense here, someone sane. So he needs to call Spencer.

“Ryan. We can make it stop.” Brendon says and he sounds desperate.

“Stop what?” Ryan screams.

“Whatever it is that’s hurting you.” Brendon says softly. Ryan wants to cry.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say it ever again. I told you to not say it ever again!”

“I’m calling Spencer.” Ryan says.

“Don’t. I have a knife here, I will use it.”

“Brendon, this isn’t ‘Beauty and Beast’. You will get hurt.”

“I won’t. You will not hurt me. I trust you.”

“You shouldn’t. You have _experience_ for god’s sake!” Ryan answers. He can still feel Gerard in the room. His heart beating a little bit faster than normal. He can smell him. “Does he even know what you want him to do?” he asks.

“I…”

“You didn’t tell him?”

“I know.” That’s Gerard’s voice. Careful, soft, smoke on skin.

“Oh, you don’t. You have no idea.” Ryan says laughing. He sounds bitter and wild. He feels raw again. Cut open. All his desires and secrets. All the filthy needs he has, in the open to see for all. “Tell him.” He says.

“Ryan…”

“TELL HIM.”

“Ryan for god’s sake! Do you want to scare him away?”

“Yes!” Ryan hisses.

“I won’t let you.”

“Then tell him.” Ryan’s voice sounds cold and hard. Like marble. Brendon sighs and turns to Gerard.

“I will.” He says softly. Ryan doesn’t know if he really wants it, but he keeps quiet. There aren’t many alternatives he can choose from.

  
~+~  
Gerard had no idea what to expect when he got to the hotel, but it sure as hell wasn’t that. It wasn’t Ryan hiding in the bathroom and Brendon talking about knives and blood and hurting himself. It wasn’t a hysterical Ryan screaming at them. It wasn’t anything like this. He feels like an intruder listening to them. Because everything seems so raw, like a freshly cut open wound. When he’s honest he didn’t really believe in the whole vampire thing at all. He isn’t so sure now. Brendon and Ryan seem to believe it. Or this is the best practical joke – ever.

“Tell me what?” Gerard asks at least. Brendon is looking at him, calculating.

“How it’s really like.” Brendon says. “Not that it will prepare you for the feeling, but…” he trails off, he doesn’t know how to finish this sentence, Gerard is sure of it.

“Okay,” Gerard says carefully and Brendon sits down on the bed, staring at the bathroom door for a while, then closing his eyes and rolling himself into a ball, his arms around his knees.

“It’s scary, it always is at first. Because you can’t control any of it. You’re trapped. And painfully aroused. He doesn’t do it on purpose. I know he doesn’t.” Gerard hears a gasp from the bathroom. It sounds pained. “And there is anticipation. So goddamned strong. There is want. Want beyond anything you ever felt and he makes you feel it. He makes you want him, makes you want to die for him and he is on the verge every fucking time. Because you can’t not offer and it’s in his nature to take. You want him to do it.” He says softly.  
Gerard wonders. He knows it’s not all. It can’t be. And then Brendon looks at him and straightens up, stretches on the bed, pushes his shirt up. There are marks on his skin. Bruises, fresh and angry looking. Scars, faint but everlasting. He looks at Gerard and his eyes will him to understand.

“You need to tell him…” Ryan says from the bathroom. Steel in his voice. Brendon closes his eyes.

“And he is violent. Even when he’s in control he’s violent. Because that is part of his nature. He can’t…and you want it.”

“No.” Ryan says sharply.

“No, he _makes_ you to want it, but a part of you always is in control. A tiny part, because he enjoys it, enjoys that you are aware what he does to you and enjoys that you’re scared, that you want him to stop, because it hurts. And it burns, the desire is too much. In the end you just want it to stop. Whichever way. It just needs to stop. Usually he pulls away by then…”

“Or Spencer makes me.” Ryan says, the door doing little to muffle the bitter self-hatred.  
The room is eerie silent then. The only thing heard is their breathing. Gerard is thinking. He doesn’t know what to do. He wants to help, but he is through with self-destructive behaviour. He really is and this sounds like serious self harm.

“So why are you doing it?” he asks Brendon, Brendon smiles.

“It’s Ryan.” He answers simply.

“Brendon…” Ryan’s voice is soft and full of pain.

“You know I do.” Brendon says. “We all do.”

“What?” Gerard says.

“We all do it, because it’s Ryan.” Brendon says looking him in the eyes.

“Because you love him.” Brendon nods.  
Gerard wonders if it really could be that simple.  
“So, why? Why am I here?” he asks. Because honestly when Ryan has three people he can feed off, why is he here?

“Because you offered.” Brendon says.

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did.”

“When?”

“You offered yourself.” Ryan says. “In the alley….all these weeks ago.”

Gerard blinks as realisation hits him.  
“Did you make me want you?” Gerard asks.

“No.” Ryan says.

“Don’t you see?” Brendon asks, “That is the problem. You offered. You wanted him. You wanted everything he is. You just didn’t know what he is.”

“That’s why Spencer was so mad?”

“Yes, I would have taken you. I would. I was so close.” Ryan says. There is pain in his voice.

“It’s okay,” Brendon says, stroking his hip absentminded. And Gerard _knows_ what happened. “It doesn’t stop. It doesn’t go away.” He says to Gerard.

“What?”

“The need, the want.” Ryan answers for him through the bathroom door.

“Oh.”

“Do you understand now?” Brendon asks. His eyes are honest and Gerard can see the pain there, the pain Ryan’s pain causes in him.

“Yes,” he says and Brendon smiles. Yeah, Gerard thinks he could like Brendon a lot.

“Do you need to call someone?” Brendon asks.

“I…do I need someone?”

“No. I think it’s better if we keep it to ourselves. I’ll call Spencer.” Brendon says. Gerard cringes. “Or Jon?” It’s Gerard’s decision to make. He takes a deep breath.

“Ryan?”

“Spencer.” Ryan says.

“Spencer.” Gerard answers. Brendon smiles.  
Gerard knows that Jon will know anyway. It’s not something he can change.

  
~+~  
“I couldn’t just stand by and watch it!” Brendon screams.

“And that is better?”

“Yes!”

“How is this better?!” Spencer wants to know. He is so pissed, Ryan can hear it in his voice, in the rush of his blood, the beating of his heart. “God, Brendon! Ryan is still locked in the bathroom! For god’s sake!”

“He will come out. You know that. He wants that. He needs that.” Brendon says.  
They don’t care that Gerard can hear them. Jon is quiet. Sitting with his back against the bathroom door. – a calming presence in the storm. Ryan can feel him there, he presses his hands to the door. So much heat, so much blood. So much rage in this room. It makes his head spin.

“Spencer.” He says quietly, urgently.

“I…you want me here?” Spencer asks, not him.

“Ryan wants you here.” Gerard answers. Spencer is quiet and Ryan imagines how he looks sharply at Gerard. Thinking everything through.

“You don’t know what you’re doing.” Spencer says.

“No.” Gerard answers, because he doesn’t. And he sees no point in lying now. And this…he doesn’t even know how it will work. And how much he will be able to take, he has no idea. Ryan knows all of it.

“And you want to do it? Why?”

Gerard keeps quiet, he is thinking, Ryan knows. Maybe he wants to say something Spencer would approve of, but in the end he says “It’s Ryan.” And Ryan knows Spencer is smiling.

  
~+~  
“I will be in the other room.” Jon says and leaves. Brendon wants him here, he really does. He always feels calmer when Jon is in the room with them. But he nods. It might be too much for Gerard, he isn’t one for getting naked in front of people. Spencer sits in the chair across the room, near the bathroom door, so he can see the bed. See everything. Brendon knows he doesn’t want that. But they need him there.

“I’m sorry.” Ryan says from the cold floor of the bathroom, the door holding him up.

“I know.” Spencer says.

“It’s not your fault.” Brendon’s voice is soft.

“I’m still sorry.”

“Please, just don’t say it again.” Brendon pleads and Spencer smiles at him.

“I’m sorry too.” Gerard says and Ryan gasps out a strangled laugh. “I really am.”  
Brendon knows Spencer wants to say something mean, so he shakes his head and Spencer bites his lip to keep it inside.

“I’m coming out now. Don’t do anything harsh or fast or…you know.” Ryan’s voice is small.

“What?” Gerard asks.

“He’s worked up. All the yelling, all the rage, the rush of blood.” Spencer explains.

“We’re prey.” Brendon clarifies.

“Oh.” Gerard says.

  
~+~  
Nothing could ever prepare Gerard for how Ryan looks.  
Nothing at all.  
How the air seems to shift, to compress around him, around them all.  
How the tension intensifies a million times.  
The room is filled with need and desire and beauty, seeming to overflow in the confined space, warping the walls, stealing the air. A deadly, dangerous combination at best. And Gerard gasps. Spencer chuckles at his reaction. Ryan is smiling at him. Slow and sensual.  
“Stay with me.” Brendon whispers, his grip on Gerard’s wrist painful, the only thing to ground him in the moment. He’s glad he’s sitting. Brendon’s body heat is calming.

“He’s…” but words somehow fail him right now.

“He doesn’t do it on purpose and I’ve never seen him like that. Never…he looks more calm.” Brendon muses.

“Spencer…” Ryan whispers, leaning down to press a kiss to Spencer’s cheek and Gerard sees Spencer shiver, closing his eyes briefly. “It will be alright.” He adds, leaving Spencer a shivering mess on his chair near the bathroom door.  
Gerard loses a few seconds, he thinks, because the next moment Ryan is standing at the foot of the bed, between Brendon’s legs, kissing him, slow and careful, nipping at his lips, biting down until he nearly draws blood. His head falls back and Gerard’s hand sneaks to his hip. Stroking the skin, not cold but chilly. Ryan looks down at him. There is so much in his eyes. He can see the lust, the need. So much need. The bloodlust. The violence. Just underneath the surface. And Gerard shivers.  
He bends his head to kiss the exposed skin on Ryan’s hip, he can’t look at his face anymore. It’s too much. Ryan leans into the touch. Pulling Brendon with him. Brendon gasps, from pain maybe, because Ryan’s hand is fisted in his hair.  
Brendon’s hand is on the small of Ryan’s back. His head resting against Ryan’s stomach, rubbing. He looks like a cat. Gerard looks up as Ryan jerks his chin up to kiss him. He shivers, the strength is unnatural. He feels trapped and he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t. He wants to get away, so he struggles against Ryan’s grip, which is no use.

“You will hurt yourself…” Brendon says. “Just breathe.” And Gerard does. Tries to relax into Ryan’s hand. Lets Ryan kiss him. Hard and demanding and kisses back the same way, Ryan growls. Deep and dangerous. His hand on Gerard tightening and Gerard has a brief moment of real panic. Ryan smiles. Licks his lips.  
“You need to surrender.” Brendon whispers against his ear. Ryan’s hand is on Brendon’s neck now, keeping him in place. Brendon’s body is radiating heat in waves. Gerard doesn’t know how to do that. He doesn’t want to. Every instinct screams at him. The primal part of him, that wants him to _survive_. “I’ll show you.” Brendon say, and Gerard was never more grateful to have someone with him than in this moment of panic and terror and want. “Ryan…” he whispers, his voice is soft and careful. And Ryan looks at him, his grip still painful on Gerard’s skin. “Let me, please?” Ryan smiles and lets Brendon go, then Gerard. “It will be okay,” Brendon says to Gerard before he kisses him, slow as if not to freak him out. Gerard thinks he is beyond the point of freaking out. Brendon’s tongue slips into his mouth and he just lets him. Just lets Brendon take care of everything it’s easier than thinking about Ryan. Ryan is a hovering presence in the room. Like a dark god. Ready to destroy his creation if it doesn’t please him.  
Brendon’s hands are warm on his skin, soft, careful as he removes Gerard’s shirt, kissing every inch of skin he can reach. Not leaving marks.  
“Ryan will…” Brendon whispers in his ear, as he licks from the shell to his collarbone. His lips are wet and soft. All his movements are soft and careful. Even as he lays Gerard down on the bed. An offering to the god above him. Gerard feels calm, but not ready to surrender. Not yet.

“I can’t…” he says.

“We’ll get you there.” Brendon answers and Ryan smiles, as he pulls Brendon to him, kissing him, bruising his lips. Brendon moans. Soft, quiet. Gerard risks a glance in Spencer’s direction. He’s just looking, his face blank, but Gerard can’t imagine that he isn’t turned on by this. Spencer bites his lips as Brendon moans again and Gerard looks back. Catching how Ryan pulls Brendon’s pants down, pushing him into the mattress. Brendon’s hard. And shivering. His eyes closed, the bruise on his neck fresh and vivid.

“Lube.” Spencer says from the chair, his voice low and hoarse. And Ryan looks lost for a moment. As if he doesn’t even know what lube is or what he needs it for.

“Yes…” he hisses. Brendon takes a deep breath. Gerard does too. He isn’t sure he wants to see that, he isn’t sure he wants to know that about those boys. But he can’t look away as Ryan slicks up and pushes in with no preparation whatsoever. Brendon cries out and his hand reaches out to Gerard. Who lets him grip. Hard. It hurts, but even the pain is muted through the haze of want, need, desire. (And it’s all Ryan’s doing.) He watches as Ryan claims and marks Brendon as his own. He’s turned on beyond belief, he knows that he will be in Brendon’s place soon and he should be afraid. He is. A part of him is. He leans down to kiss Brendon and Brendon sighs. It’s awkward what with Ryan thrusting hard and merciless into Brendon. But he needs to do that. And Brendon needs to have this.  
Brendon comes without anyone touching him and his cry is muted by Gerard’s lips.  
He lies there, spent and bruised, but he smiles at Ryan as his friend leans down to whisper something in his ear and then kiss him. Slow and soft. Loving. Gerard looks away. His gaze catches Spencer’s. Still just observing.

“You sure?” he asks. And Gerard knows this is his last way out. Spencer will not ask again. Whatever will happen, he will Ryan let have what he wants. Gerard says yes and Spencer nods. His lips curling into a soft smile.  
“Strip then,” Spencer says and Gerard does that too.

  
~+~  
Ryan really likes the quiet moments when the bloodlust is muted. When he just can lie down next to Brendon, or Spencer, or Jon and bath in the warmth of their bodies. Nuzzle their necks, lick the skin, with no need to claim, to mark, to hurt. Listening to them breathing. Slow and shallow when the exhaustion claims them. He wonders if it’s right to let Gerard see that. He can hear Gerard’s heart beating faster and faster.

  
~+~  
“Come here,” he says and Gerard does.

“He didn’t feed.” Spencer says quietly from across the room.  
Gerard bends his neck, offering and Ryan smiles, holds him still before he sinks his teeth into the skin. It hurts. All authors lied about it. It hurts so badly. He wants to pull away.

“Don’t struggle. Please, don’t struggle.” Brendon says urgently. Gerard breaths, Brendon’s soft fingers on his hip help to calm him down. His lips on his shoulder. He closes his eyes. He feels exhausted and like he’s about to die. Every nerve in him is screaming. He’s hard, aching with need and pain and more need. It comes in waves, everyone stronger than the one before. He knows its Ryan’s doing. Ryan keeps him on edge and he keeps him there, conscious for everything that will come. He’s thankful for Brendon being there once more, as he feels Brendon’s fingers preparing him, spreading him open.  
“It will still hurt,” Brendon whispers and that’s his other way of preparing him. Ryan makes content noises as he licks blood from Gerard’s skin and then pushes him down, on his stomach, spreads his legs and pushes in.  
With one thrust.  
Gerard bites his lip so hard it bleeds, but this is just another wound to add. The pleasure and pain and pain and pleasure is too much. And Brendon was right. He wants it to end but if Ryan wants it he can have it. Gerard will let him. It doesn’t matter anyway, he is ready to die, because he can’t take it anymore. He can’t. Brendon is there, Gerard can feel him at his side.

“Ryan,” Spencer says and Gerard feels Ryan come with one last vicious thrust, biting hard at Gerard’s shoulder. Muffling a groan. He is barley aware of Brendon rolling him on his back and then he feels Brendon’s lips on his dick. Soft and careful and so good. It doesn’t take much before he’s coming too.  
Brendon lays down next to him, Ryan hovers over him. His lips are red from Gerard’s blood.

“Thank you.” He whispers and stands up, Gerard’s gaze follows him across the room where Spencer is sitting.

“Ryan,” Spencer says and Ryan says “Shhhh” before he drops to his knees and nuzzles Spencer through his jeans.

“Look.” Brendon says. Gerard isn’t sure he wants to. Everything about Ryan is different now. He is just Ryan. How Gerard always thought he is. Not what he has seen and felt a few minutes ago. And he looks beautiful and innocent, and breakable on his knees as he sucks Spencer off. He shouldn’t be able to look like that. Not when he’s sucking a guys dick, not when he just drank blood from Gerard’s veins. Not when he bruised Brendon like this.

“That’s why…” Gerard says.

“Yes,” Brendon answers and he sounds fierce.

  
~end~


End file.
